When Your Heart Aches by Susan Dunn, MA, Life & EQ Coach
When I was a child, my Dad read me the story of "Heidi," by Johanna Spyri. I doubt there were many illustrations in the book, but the pictures in my own mind were vivid. Heidi was my age, I was sure, and lived with Grandfather in the Alps. There were goats. Then she had to go live in the city. She "pined" for Grandfather and grew sick and finally a doctor said it was because she missed Grandfather and the mountains, and she needed to back.
The best cover illustration of "Heidi" is this one: http://www.geocitiesz.com/EnchantedForest/Glad/8905/home.html . It captures what Heidi was pining for.
We can miss and pine for people, places, things or ideas/beliefs.
PINING FOR HOMELAND
Rachmaninoff's music reflects his deep longing to return to his homeland, Russia. Stravinsky also pined for his homeland and former circumstances, being so poor at one point, he agreed to compose music for Barnum and Bailey for the circus.
PINING FOR IDEAS
We can miss mountains and also mountains to climb. Ray Garrett, Jr. reached the top of his law career, then went to serve as Chairman of the SEC, where he turned around the stock market it its biggest decline since the Depression, deregulating commissions in 1970. That having been accomplished, he resigned, went back to his hometown, and died about a year later.
"Pining" is an old word that isn't used much any more. It's too bad because we have lost the word that best defines that feeling when we lose something of great value, something which we suffer without. It comes from Old English "pinian" which is from the Latin "poena", punishment. It means to lose vigor, health or flesh (as through grief); to languish; to yearn intensely and persistently especially for something unattainable.
"Languish" is another old word. It means drooping or flagging from or as if from exhaustion; weak; heavy; lacking vigor or force.
Languid from an aching heart is not "as if", it is "because of." Grief brings a host of chemical and hormonal changes, that bring an exhaustion as real as the results of a 2 mile run, only without the good feelings. The slumped shoulders, the sunken eyes, the sighs all attest to the fact that the loss of something emotionally important is a physiological event for us humans.
PINING FOR PEOPLE
Doctors finally had to come up with a name to describe an ER scenario - - an individual would come in with all the signs (and symptoms) of a heart attack, but some of the chemistry was different, they had no signs of prior heart disease, they recovered well usually with no harm done, and, it turned out, had just suffered the loss of someone they loved, or a shock of that sort.
Sometimes with a long-married couple, when one dies, the other follows shortly thereafter.
PINING FOR THINGS
We can feel a pang of grief over the loss of something like a car - if it is stolen for instance, but that's replaceable. We will feel it more strongly when it's something like our photographs. We also pine when we lose our wealth, because there are a lot of changes around that. The more you define yourself by what you have, the more you will suffer when you lose things. One reason we take it so hard, and pine, is because a loss has a domino effect. When your husband has an affair and you divorce, you lose him, but many other things as well. Perhaps your house, some friends, maybe even your job and community if you must move.
PINING FOR "FOREVER AFTER"
When we are betrayed by our spouse, we lose something else very precious - our beliefs. What we thought the world and people are like, and our ideas of what might happen to us. We may come fact-to-face for the first time that bad things happen to good people (like us), that people don't keep their word or mean what they say, and that you can't count on what you thought you could. Betrayal is hard to deal with because it hits us in our core beliefs.
RESILIENCE
Being able to bounce back from loss, defeat, rejection and betrayal requires dealing with some of these issues. It may come down to, "Can I live in a world where - - where a wife cheats on her husband, where a trusted employee steals from you, where your beloved daughter marries against your will and, you fear, is going to trash her life... We realize there are some very important things we cannot control.
Resilience, an emotional intelligence competency, is about bouncing back - sooner or later - with enthusiasm and hope. It means learning the lesson, but not OVER-learning it. We do have losses, rejections and defeats; but not always and hopefully not too often. We do lose people we love; the pain we feel afterward is the price we pay for the love we enjoyed.
Resilience means bolstering yourself against the negative emotions so you can enjoy the positive ones. When we stuff down one emotion, we stuff them all down. You can stay safe, of course, not investing in anyone or anything, but what kind of life is that?
Part of Resilience is turning your face back to the sun and owning all the things you have to be grateful for. There are other skills, and it can be learned. Develop your emotional intelligence because it's like building muscle, muscle that you will need if you intend to have a long, full life.
Intentionality, BTW, is another emotional intelligence competency.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, Professional Coach, www.susandunn.cc, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Susan offers individual coaching, business programs, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional growth. She trains and certifies EQ coaches worldwide in a fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Email for free ezine.
mardi 3 juillet 2007
Dating & Religious Beliefs
Dating & Religious Beliefs by Susan Dunn, MA, Professional Life Coach
You're dating and your religious beliefs are different. How much difference does this make? The answer is: Another person's religious beliefs are important to you to the degree they re important to you. This may sound like begging the question, but it's an important thing to get .
Assuming you're looking for marriage, you need to make a "must have" and a "can't stand" list. If certain religious beliefs go into either group, pay attention to them, because you won t be happy if they aren't there (or are and shouldn't be) and the relationship won't work in the long run.
Begging the question is what Zen is all about. The koan can mean you're asking a question no one knows the answer to, or that you don't need an answer to, or you know the answer as well as anyone, you just don't know it by reason (which is limited).
In the case of religious beliefs, the emotionally intelligent thing to do is to figure out what you want (work with a coach for clarity; it's worth it) and then experience the person.
Do you mean adherence to a certain set of principals as espoused by a certain faith, such as being Methodist, or Buddhist? Do you need someone to agree with every word you say about it?
Or do you believe in certain spiritual principals which could be compatible with various faiths or someone who doesn't attend 'church' at all?
Does it matter to you more how the person argues their faith verbally, or how they live it in their daily actions and behaviors?
Some religions require only faith; others require certain actions. At the same time, some people follow their faith, and others do not.
Apply your emotional intelligence competencies as you date.
1. ZEN: A tree that is unbending is easily broken. Lao Tzu EQ COMPETENCY: FLEXIBILITY
Use all your brains. You must feel how you feel around this person (see point number 2) and also think about what it is you're after at the deepest and broadest level so that you can have the flexibility to deal with another imperfect, not entirely predictable human being.
2. ZEN: Only the supremely wise and the abysmally ignorant do not change. Confucius EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding of people.
You have to allow for the fact that the individual may change. Few people make extreme changes in their core being and basic operating principals, but many of us make changes and adjustments in behaviors and thoughts. Get to know the person well enough so you have a sense of their core.
3. ZEN: If you are too excited by joy, later you will have to cry. Tibetan saying. EQ COMPETENCY: Reality-testing.
Roughly translated this means that it s best to go slow and find a person with a modulated response to you. Don t get so excited you aren't paying attention. Even soul-mates may disagree on how to load the dishwasher. How can you expect exact alignment in the articulation of a religious belief? Therefore, number 4.
4. ZEN: We think in generalities but we live in detail. Alfred North Whitehead EQ COMPETENCY: Impulse control
Take the time to get to know the person in little and daily ways. Someone can talk one way and act another. They can say they don t believe in abusing animals (or anything else) and still do it. Only time will tell.
5. ZEN: Think with the whole body. Taisen Deshimaru EQ COMPETENCY: Intuition
Oddly enough, thinking with the whole body is what intuition is about. The quickest and surest way to know whether it s a fit is to use your intuition (gut feeling, instincts). How do you know your gut feeling? From your gut! Your body sends you physiological messages.
Can you completely relax with this person? If so, there is deep trust, the foundation of lasting relationships.
6. ZEN: We do not want churches because they will teach us to quarrel about God. Chief Joseph EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.
When there are disagreements, figure out what you re really arguing about. If it s just semantics, it s just semantics. It was in vogue, for instance, in the Renaissance to debate how many angels would fit on the head of a pin. This is hardly likely to play itself out in how the person lives their life.
7. ZEN: A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it. Rabindranath Tagore EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated self. The interface between intellect and emotions.
Someone who engages in intellectual repartee about matters of the heart hasn't got it together, and you don t need to get-together with them. Wouldn t you rather be loved than understood, if it came to that (and it will)?
8. ZEN: Beware, as they say, of mistaking the finger for the moon when you re pointing at it. John Cage EQ COMPETENCY: Intentionality.
Date the person long enough to determine that when they talk about their religious beliefs, they live by them. In other words, they re not just repeating something they memorized, or just saying what they think you want to hear. Someone deeply in that delicious falling-in-love stage will do this. Haven t you?
9. ZEN: The first sign of your becoming religious is that you are becoming cheerful. Swami Vivekananda EQ COMPETENCY: Positive attitude, optimism.
IF you believe this is the test of being religious, then Swami Vivekananda is the man for you. If you prefer a person with a positive attitude, as I do, and it comes with religious belief, better yet. (Studies show marriages are happiest when the number of positive comments about self, other and relationship is 3x the number of negative comments.)
10. ZEN: When a dog runs at you, whistle for him. Henry David Thoreau EQ COMPETENCY: Common sense! When it feels right and good, go for it!
Ultimately it's difficult to live with someone who doesn't have your same values and priorities. SHAWNA discovered this when dating a man outside her faith. He loved her and was willing to convert, attending classes and services with her. She was troubled that even so, he didn't believe what she did. Growing up with a certain faith engrains it at a level that can rarely be approached when it's learned later in life. This may or may not be unsurmountable. In SHAWNA's case it was. She couldn't feel he had, or ever would have, the same beliefs as she did.
TOMAS, on the other hand, fell in love with someone outside his faith, from another culture, and more than 10 years younger. Still, he said, we're two peas in a pod. I could care less if she goes to a synagogue and I don't.
SAMIA married someone she met at her mosque, but problems began to spring up immediately. I assumed too much, she said. I thought we felt the same way about things, but it didn't live out the way I thought it would. I wish I'd given it more time. It's hard to think when you re that much in love. In their case, their religious beliefs, in words, were a match, but they weren't lived out in ways that were compatible.
P.S. If you come from different faith backgrounds and plan to have children, work this one out ahead of time. It can be a bigee when the time comes.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for midlife, transitions, personal development, relationships and career. Susan is the author of Midlife Dating Manual. For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put ezine for subject.
You're dating and your religious beliefs are different. How much difference does this make? The answer is: Another person's religious beliefs are important to you to the degree they re important to you. This may sound like begging the question, but it's an important thing to get .
Assuming you're looking for marriage, you need to make a "must have" and a "can't stand" list. If certain religious beliefs go into either group, pay attention to them, because you won t be happy if they aren't there (or are and shouldn't be) and the relationship won't work in the long run.
Begging the question is what Zen is all about. The koan can mean you're asking a question no one knows the answer to, or that you don't need an answer to, or you know the answer as well as anyone, you just don't know it by reason (which is limited).
In the case of religious beliefs, the emotionally intelligent thing to do is to figure out what you want (work with a coach for clarity; it's worth it) and then experience the person.
Do you mean adherence to a certain set of principals as espoused by a certain faith, such as being Methodist, or Buddhist? Do you need someone to agree with every word you say about it?
Or do you believe in certain spiritual principals which could be compatible with various faiths or someone who doesn't attend 'church' at all?
Does it matter to you more how the person argues their faith verbally, or how they live it in their daily actions and behaviors?
Some religions require only faith; others require certain actions. At the same time, some people follow their faith, and others do not.
Apply your emotional intelligence competencies as you date.
1. ZEN: A tree that is unbending is easily broken. Lao Tzu EQ COMPETENCY: FLEXIBILITY
Use all your brains. You must feel how you feel around this person (see point number 2) and also think about what it is you're after at the deepest and broadest level so that you can have the flexibility to deal with another imperfect, not entirely predictable human being.
2. ZEN: Only the supremely wise and the abysmally ignorant do not change. Confucius EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding of people.
You have to allow for the fact that the individual may change. Few people make extreme changes in their core being and basic operating principals, but many of us make changes and adjustments in behaviors and thoughts. Get to know the person well enough so you have a sense of their core.
3. ZEN: If you are too excited by joy, later you will have to cry. Tibetan saying. EQ COMPETENCY: Reality-testing.
Roughly translated this means that it s best to go slow and find a person with a modulated response to you. Don t get so excited you aren't paying attention. Even soul-mates may disagree on how to load the dishwasher. How can you expect exact alignment in the articulation of a religious belief? Therefore, number 4.
4. ZEN: We think in generalities but we live in detail. Alfred North Whitehead EQ COMPETENCY: Impulse control
Take the time to get to know the person in little and daily ways. Someone can talk one way and act another. They can say they don t believe in abusing animals (or anything else) and still do it. Only time will tell.
5. ZEN: Think with the whole body. Taisen Deshimaru EQ COMPETENCY: Intuition
Oddly enough, thinking with the whole body is what intuition is about. The quickest and surest way to know whether it s a fit is to use your intuition (gut feeling, instincts). How do you know your gut feeling? From your gut! Your body sends you physiological messages.
Can you completely relax with this person? If so, there is deep trust, the foundation of lasting relationships.
6. ZEN: We do not want churches because they will teach us to quarrel about God. Chief Joseph EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent.
When there are disagreements, figure out what you re really arguing about. If it s just semantics, it s just semantics. It was in vogue, for instance, in the Renaissance to debate how many angels would fit on the head of a pin. This is hardly likely to play itself out in how the person lives their life.
7. ZEN: A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it. Rabindranath Tagore EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated self. The interface between intellect and emotions.
Someone who engages in intellectual repartee about matters of the heart hasn't got it together, and you don t need to get-together with them. Wouldn t you rather be loved than understood, if it came to that (and it will)?
8. ZEN: Beware, as they say, of mistaking the finger for the moon when you re pointing at it. John Cage EQ COMPETENCY: Intentionality.
Date the person long enough to determine that when they talk about their religious beliefs, they live by them. In other words, they re not just repeating something they memorized, or just saying what they think you want to hear. Someone deeply in that delicious falling-in-love stage will do this. Haven t you?
9. ZEN: The first sign of your becoming religious is that you are becoming cheerful. Swami Vivekananda EQ COMPETENCY: Positive attitude, optimism.
IF you believe this is the test of being religious, then Swami Vivekananda is the man for you. If you prefer a person with a positive attitude, as I do, and it comes with religious belief, better yet. (Studies show marriages are happiest when the number of positive comments about self, other and relationship is 3x the number of negative comments.)
10. ZEN: When a dog runs at you, whistle for him. Henry David Thoreau EQ COMPETENCY: Common sense! When it feels right and good, go for it!
Ultimately it's difficult to live with someone who doesn't have your same values and priorities. SHAWNA discovered this when dating a man outside her faith. He loved her and was willing to convert, attending classes and services with her. She was troubled that even so, he didn't believe what she did. Growing up with a certain faith engrains it at a level that can rarely be approached when it's learned later in life. This may or may not be unsurmountable. In SHAWNA's case it was. She couldn't feel he had, or ever would have, the same beliefs as she did.
TOMAS, on the other hand, fell in love with someone outside his faith, from another culture, and more than 10 years younger. Still, he said, we're two peas in a pod. I could care less if she goes to a synagogue and I don't.
SAMIA married someone she met at her mosque, but problems began to spring up immediately. I assumed too much, she said. I thought we felt the same way about things, but it didn't live out the way I thought it would. I wish I'd given it more time. It's hard to think when you re that much in love. In their case, their religious beliefs, in words, were a match, but they weren't lived out in ways that were compatible.
P.S. If you come from different faith backgrounds and plan to have children, work this one out ahead of time. It can be a bigee when the time comes.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for midlife, transitions, personal development, relationships and career. Susan is the author of Midlife Dating Manual. For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc and put ezine for subject.
Looking for a Rich Guy on the Internet ? A Hot Chifck ?
Looking for a Rich Guy on the Internet ? A Hot Chifck ? by Susan Dunn, Life, Dating and Wellness Coach, EQ
Looking for a rich guy on the Internet? Make sure he likes to listen to music that is Upbeat and Conventional - like country, sound tracks, religious, and pop.
Looking for a hot chick? Avoid the one who likes opera or classical music. (Assuming you define "hot" as "physical attractiveness.") Looking for trouble? Rock, alternative, and heavy metal.
However, be prepared for that rich guy who likes upbeat and conventional music to also be emotionally unstable, not open to experience, domineering ("social dominance orientation"), conservative, dumb and have low verbal ability. But not depressed!
As we sort of innately know, it turns out that someone's musical taste is one of the quickest and surest ways to find out what they're like, sight unseen. It turns out, according to recent papers by Rentfrow and Gosling, two social psychologists, taste in music is the most often discussed topic between people getting to know one another on the Internet, and that we aren't fools - it's pretty good at telling you what the person will be like.
They don't mention compatibility, but for those of us seeking compatibility along with our "love," I don't know about you, but when I find a guy who likes the same music I do, to the same degree, I feel like I've found a soul-mate.
As opposed to cognitive psychologists, social psychologists haven't give much attention to the study of music - only 7 key articles on it published between 1965 and 2002 in leading social psych. Journals (out of about 11,000 articles).
Well, our heroes, P. J. Rentfrow and S. D. Gosling set about to remedy this. First they asked people how well they thought a person's taste in music revealed what they were like, and most lay people said only "hobbies and activities" revealed more. TV, books and movies were way down the list, with TV revealing the least. This held true for what the person thought it revealed about him/herself, and about others.
Then they developed a questionnaire called STOMP (Short Test of Musical Preference) and came up with the following categories of preference:
1. Reflective and Complex (Jazz, blues, classical and folk) 2. Upbeat and Conventional (country, sound tracks, religious and pop) 3. Energetic and Rhythmic (rap, hip/hop, soul and funk, electronica and dance) 4. Intense and Rebellious (rock, alternative and heavy metal)
When they administered STOMP along with personality measures, the results were quite revealing. For instance, Reflective and Complex was positively correlated with openness to experience, self-perceived intelligence, verbal ability, emotional stability, and political liberalism, but negatively correlated with social dominance orientation, political conservatism, wealth and athleticism.
Other categories in the personality profile were physical attractiveness, depression, agreeableness, extraversion, conscientiousness, self-esteem, and so forth. Pretty much covers the whole deal and they found that music preference did, indeed, reveal information about personality differences.
Then, and this is what's important to us Internet daters - they set about testing to see if the average joe uses this information when getting to know someone. This is kind of a big DOH - I know I do. Don't you? If you've ever lived with someone (like teens, ha ha) you know that their taste in music (and even if they don't like any music, and you do) can make or break your daily life. After all, political discussions can only go on for so long, but music can be the background fabric of your very life (see Club Vivo Per Lei - I live for music - www.susandunn.cc/vivoperlei.htm )
Well, they paired up folks on an on-line bulletin-board system, both same-sex and opposite-sex. And this is what 's really amazing. It turned out that while they could talk about anything they thought would acquaint them bets, music was more often discussed than all other activities combined. Hey! We're smarter than we look! It wasn't until the 6th week of participation, that the amount of time they spent talking about all other things (ALL OTHER THINGS) equaled their discussion of music.
Were they just talking about what they love, or were they trying to find a match - or is it the same thing?
Not trusting us (ha ha) Rentfrow and Gosling then proceeded to test the accuracy of these perceptions and found they were quite accurate. In sum, it looks like if you aren't talking about music with the person you're thinking about pairing up with, you're missing the major clue to their personality. And it's my personal interjection here, as a dating coach, that you are also missing a major clue to your compatibility; and as an emotional intelligence coach, a major clue to their emotional intelligence.
So how about "What's your favorite CD?" instead of "What's your sign?"
It's a thought.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, EQ and Dating Coach, www.susandunn.cc, mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc . Susan consults and coaches emotional intelligence and its applications - dating, stress, balance, retirement, career, wellness, success. Email for free ezine.
Looking for a rich guy on the Internet? Make sure he likes to listen to music that is Upbeat and Conventional - like country, sound tracks, religious, and pop.
Looking for a hot chick? Avoid the one who likes opera or classical music. (Assuming you define "hot" as "physical attractiveness.") Looking for trouble? Rock, alternative, and heavy metal.
However, be prepared for that rich guy who likes upbeat and conventional music to also be emotionally unstable, not open to experience, domineering ("social dominance orientation"), conservative, dumb and have low verbal ability. But not depressed!
As we sort of innately know, it turns out that someone's musical taste is one of the quickest and surest ways to find out what they're like, sight unseen. It turns out, according to recent papers by Rentfrow and Gosling, two social psychologists, taste in music is the most often discussed topic between people getting to know one another on the Internet, and that we aren't fools - it's pretty good at telling you what the person will be like.
They don't mention compatibility, but for those of us seeking compatibility along with our "love," I don't know about you, but when I find a guy who likes the same music I do, to the same degree, I feel like I've found a soul-mate.
As opposed to cognitive psychologists, social psychologists haven't give much attention to the study of music - only 7 key articles on it published between 1965 and 2002 in leading social psych. Journals (out of about 11,000 articles).
Well, our heroes, P. J. Rentfrow and S. D. Gosling set about to remedy this. First they asked people how well they thought a person's taste in music revealed what they were like, and most lay people said only "hobbies and activities" revealed more. TV, books and movies were way down the list, with TV revealing the least. This held true for what the person thought it revealed about him/herself, and about others.
Then they developed a questionnaire called STOMP (Short Test of Musical Preference) and came up with the following categories of preference:
1. Reflective and Complex (Jazz, blues, classical and folk) 2. Upbeat and Conventional (country, sound tracks, religious and pop) 3. Energetic and Rhythmic (rap, hip/hop, soul and funk, electronica and dance) 4. Intense and Rebellious (rock, alternative and heavy metal)
When they administered STOMP along with personality measures, the results were quite revealing. For instance, Reflective and Complex was positively correlated with openness to experience, self-perceived intelligence, verbal ability, emotional stability, and political liberalism, but negatively correlated with social dominance orientation, political conservatism, wealth and athleticism.
Other categories in the personality profile were physical attractiveness, depression, agreeableness, extraversion, conscientiousness, self-esteem, and so forth. Pretty much covers the whole deal and they found that music preference did, indeed, reveal information about personality differences.
Then, and this is what's important to us Internet daters - they set about testing to see if the average joe uses this information when getting to know someone. This is kind of a big DOH - I know I do. Don't you? If you've ever lived with someone (like teens, ha ha) you know that their taste in music (and even if they don't like any music, and you do) can make or break your daily life. After all, political discussions can only go on for so long, but music can be the background fabric of your very life (see Club Vivo Per Lei - I live for music - www.susandunn.cc/vivoperlei.htm )
Well, they paired up folks on an on-line bulletin-board system, both same-sex and opposite-sex. And this is what 's really amazing. It turned out that while they could talk about anything they thought would acquaint them bets, music was more often discussed than all other activities combined. Hey! We're smarter than we look! It wasn't until the 6th week of participation, that the amount of time they spent talking about all other things (ALL OTHER THINGS) equaled their discussion of music.
Were they just talking about what they love, or were they trying to find a match - or is it the same thing?
Not trusting us (ha ha) Rentfrow and Gosling then proceeded to test the accuracy of these perceptions and found they were quite accurate. In sum, it looks like if you aren't talking about music with the person you're thinking about pairing up with, you're missing the major clue to their personality. And it's my personal interjection here, as a dating coach, that you are also missing a major clue to your compatibility; and as an emotional intelligence coach, a major clue to their emotional intelligence.
So how about "What's your favorite CD?" instead of "What's your sign?"
It's a thought.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, EQ and Dating Coach, www.susandunn.cc, mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc . Susan consults and coaches emotional intelligence and its applications - dating, stress, balance, retirement, career, wellness, success. Email for free ezine.
The Blur Between Life and Death
The Blur Between Life and Death by Susan Dunn, Professional Coach
With typical marketing hyperbole, Mikel Jollett's article, "The Miracle of Ice," about a new surgical technique involving induced hypothermia, is summed, presumably by the editor, with "the only catch: it kills you before it saves you."
This could be applied to most of the things in our lives that nearly 'kill' us; the slings and arrows of fortune we are all heir to. They either kill us, or we have a new life. But I digress.
Yes, there is a surgeon having great success using induced-hypothermia when operating on the brains of stroke victims. This is the story of a new-OLD procedure that involves cooling the body, but this is for hours, not minutes; and a surgeon gutsy enough to use his common sense and go with something that works. I'm not mentioning his name for a reason. He's the SUNG hero, but there's an UNsung hero in this story.
20 years ago, induced hypothermia was used only as a last resort, when there was nothing to lose, like surgery on a stopped heart. The body would be chilled by a combination of techniques, to 18 degrees C (64 F); scary, as there are potentially lethal side-effects such as frostbite, shock, pneumonia, and death.
How did we discover the use of this procedure? It was thanks to Raul Busto, a research assistant at the University of Miami, way back in 1987.
The wonder of this story is that Jollett found this piece of information when researching the article, and thought to include it.
Raul didn't get to write an article in the prestigious JAMA about his discovery. He didn't get invited to address the national convention of brain surgeons. He didn't get promoted to head of the department or have a chair named for him at a medical center. I don't know the facts, but he probably didn't even get a raise or bonus.
Busto, observant guy that he was, simply noticed that even when blood flow was cut off to a section of the brain in certain rats, they didn't have a stroke, and this in rats whose body temps were only a few degrees below normal.
Raul then had the presence of mind to connect the dots on what he observed. The wonder is that his presumably small voice was heard.
There are people who lack the credentials, by choice, by chance or by lack of opportunity, who are making tremendous contributions to our lives all the time. The diagnosis by the grandmother down the street, the perceptive comment of the nail technician, a caring neighbor or teacher who notices something, the mechanic tinkering in his garage or the nascent genius in the computer or medical lab.
Examples? I hear many from clients.
Bill and Mary, with combined IQs of 300, were told by their son's teacher that he needed glasses. When he got them, the child exclaimed, "There are leaves on trees! Look, I can see trash in people's yard."
Susan got her son into drug rehab just in time because her colleague at work met the teenager and suggested to Susan that those red eyes and that runny nose weren't "allergies."
Liquid paper was invented by some secretary who had a brain and was able to think outside the box.
The glue on post-it notes was a lab failure for a permanent glue, but the researcher had common sense, and thought a temporary bond might have an application. (Could we live without our post-it notes?)
Martha found out her baby had a tumor because when her mother was changing the baby's diapers, she noticed what the younger mother couldn't differentiate.
And my client in Venezuela gave me the key to another client I couldn't fathom. "They're mountain people," she said. "You know." I did not. But in Venezuela one knows the difference between those who live in the mountains, those who live in the plains, and those who live by the sea.
It's a shame that we have a system set up where only the PhDs and MDs get the recognition - and are granted the veracity.
I coach and consult in emotional intelligence (which includes common sense), and I often find in offices the quiet suggestions of the smaller players have been ignored and are quite valuable. Why should a lawyer listen to his secretary when she says they're getting milked by their web designer? No credentials. Why should the CEO listen to the accounting clerk who predicts the trend toward a product they could easily produce? Not his field. Why should the 'suits' in Miami listen to a coach who says that cruise passengers would attend lectures on self-help, astrology or engineering? Because everyone in Miami "knows" that all ALL cruise passengers want is to drink and gamble .. except for the coach who cruises a lot and listens to the actual guests - - wondering about the ships engines, the stars they see in the romantic night sky over the ocean, and, yes, Virginia they do not leave their problems at home when they cruise, they come right along with them, sometimes in person, sometimes in their thoughts and hearts.
The first thing I did when I was sent to a troubled apartment complex, back in my property management days, was to interview the people who actually worked on the property daily, so were forced to deal in real life with the problems at hand. The leasing agent, the maintenance man, even the mailman could tell me the simple truth, from their emotional intelligence, and observations, that told me what the problems AND THE SOLUTIONS were. They made me look good.
I had the credentials, but thank you Mildred Mannigan for greeting me at the door of Concord Square Apartments with, "If they would simply ____, this apt. complex would be full tomorrow. Will you please TELL someone." If you're the 'they' -- listen.
All sing the unsung hero. Wherever you are, Raul Busto, thank you.
Thank you for all the lives that will be saved because of you. And thanks to the "suit" that listened to Raul when he told what he knew.
Now go out and apply this!
About the Author
© Susan Dunn, coach and consultant, www.susandunn.cc. If you want to lecture on a cruise, see her ebook on www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Coaching, consulting, Internet courses and ebooks in all areas - career, relationships, emotional intelligence, resilience, transitions, life. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.
With typical marketing hyperbole, Mikel Jollett's article, "The Miracle of Ice," about a new surgical technique involving induced hypothermia, is summed, presumably by the editor, with "the only catch: it kills you before it saves you."
This could be applied to most of the things in our lives that nearly 'kill' us; the slings and arrows of fortune we are all heir to. They either kill us, or we have a new life. But I digress.
Yes, there is a surgeon having great success using induced-hypothermia when operating on the brains of stroke victims. This is the story of a new-OLD procedure that involves cooling the body, but this is for hours, not minutes; and a surgeon gutsy enough to use his common sense and go with something that works. I'm not mentioning his name for a reason. He's the SUNG hero, but there's an UNsung hero in this story.
20 years ago, induced hypothermia was used only as a last resort, when there was nothing to lose, like surgery on a stopped heart. The body would be chilled by a combination of techniques, to 18 degrees C (64 F); scary, as there are potentially lethal side-effects such as frostbite, shock, pneumonia, and death.
How did we discover the use of this procedure? It was thanks to Raul Busto, a research assistant at the University of Miami, way back in 1987.
The wonder of this story is that Jollett found this piece of information when researching the article, and thought to include it.
Raul didn't get to write an article in the prestigious JAMA about his discovery. He didn't get invited to address the national convention of brain surgeons. He didn't get promoted to head of the department or have a chair named for him at a medical center. I don't know the facts, but he probably didn't even get a raise or bonus.
Busto, observant guy that he was, simply noticed that even when blood flow was cut off to a section of the brain in certain rats, they didn't have a stroke, and this in rats whose body temps were only a few degrees below normal.
Raul then had the presence of mind to connect the dots on what he observed. The wonder is that his presumably small voice was heard.
There are people who lack the credentials, by choice, by chance or by lack of opportunity, who are making tremendous contributions to our lives all the time. The diagnosis by the grandmother down the street, the perceptive comment of the nail technician, a caring neighbor or teacher who notices something, the mechanic tinkering in his garage or the nascent genius in the computer or medical lab.
Examples? I hear many from clients.
Bill and Mary, with combined IQs of 300, were told by their son's teacher that he needed glasses. When he got them, the child exclaimed, "There are leaves on trees! Look, I can see trash in people's yard."
Susan got her son into drug rehab just in time because her colleague at work met the teenager and suggested to Susan that those red eyes and that runny nose weren't "allergies."
Liquid paper was invented by some secretary who had a brain and was able to think outside the box.
The glue on post-it notes was a lab failure for a permanent glue, but the researcher had common sense, and thought a temporary bond might have an application. (Could we live without our post-it notes?)
Martha found out her baby had a tumor because when her mother was changing the baby's diapers, she noticed what the younger mother couldn't differentiate.
And my client in Venezuela gave me the key to another client I couldn't fathom. "They're mountain people," she said. "You know." I did not. But in Venezuela one knows the difference between those who live in the mountains, those who live in the plains, and those who live by the sea.
It's a shame that we have a system set up where only the PhDs and MDs get the recognition - and are granted the veracity.
I coach and consult in emotional intelligence (which includes common sense), and I often find in offices the quiet suggestions of the smaller players have been ignored and are quite valuable. Why should a lawyer listen to his secretary when she says they're getting milked by their web designer? No credentials. Why should the CEO listen to the accounting clerk who predicts the trend toward a product they could easily produce? Not his field. Why should the 'suits' in Miami listen to a coach who says that cruise passengers would attend lectures on self-help, astrology or engineering? Because everyone in Miami "knows" that all ALL cruise passengers want is to drink and gamble .. except for the coach who cruises a lot and listens to the actual guests - - wondering about the ships engines, the stars they see in the romantic night sky over the ocean, and, yes, Virginia they do not leave their problems at home when they cruise, they come right along with them, sometimes in person, sometimes in their thoughts and hearts.
The first thing I did when I was sent to a troubled apartment complex, back in my property management days, was to interview the people who actually worked on the property daily, so were forced to deal in real life with the problems at hand. The leasing agent, the maintenance man, even the mailman could tell me the simple truth, from their emotional intelligence, and observations, that told me what the problems AND THE SOLUTIONS were. They made me look good.
I had the credentials, but thank you Mildred Mannigan for greeting me at the door of Concord Square Apartments with, "If they would simply ____, this apt. complex would be full tomorrow. Will you please TELL someone." If you're the 'they' -- listen.
All sing the unsung hero. Wherever you are, Raul Busto, thank you.
Thank you for all the lives that will be saved because of you. And thanks to the "suit" that listened to Raul when he told what he knew.
Now go out and apply this!
About the Author
© Susan Dunn, coach and consultant, www.susandunn.cc. If you want to lecture on a cruise, see her ebook on www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html . Coaching, consulting, Internet courses and ebooks in all areas - career, relationships, emotional intelligence, resilience, transitions, life. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine.
Why Write for the Internet
Why Write for the Internet by Susan Dunn
There's no better way to promote your business for free than to write articles on the Internet. It is particularly good for promoting services where advertising doesn't work as well even if you can afford it.
All business is about relationship. You can't meet face-to-face with each person, or even reach them on the telephone every time. Often your contact will have to be in writing. How good is your writing?
I'D RATHER HAVE A ROOT CANAL?
Writing is right up there with public speaking for many of us. It's so public, and, in the case of writing, so permanent.
My mother used to say, "Never put anything in black and white you wouldn't want the whole wide world to see." It's a wonder I could write at all! Scary thought, isn't it. Since I coach Emotional Intelligence (EQ), let's turn that around and say, "Put things in black and white you want the whole world to see." That's the power of the pen, mightier, after all, than the sword.
I went on to major in English and then to earn my living writing. However, you don't have to be a professional writer to write something someone else can enjoy or benefit from, or to write for your own enjoyment or wellness
YOU AREN'T WRITING FOR MISS CRUMPLESTINE ANY MORE
The first point you should know is that writing for the Internet should be at the 6th to 9th grade level.
Not everyone on the Internet has a college education, or even a high school education. We are all in hurry, and we want out information fast. Short, uncomplicated sentences work well. So do lists. No need for big words. Just clarity.
WHY WRITING IS SO HARD
Here is a scenario that happened to me repeatedly when I was in public relations. The boss would call me in and say, "I don't know how to say this." I'd say, "What is it you want to say?"
and I would have my pad and pencil handy. He or she would start talking, and I would start writing And what I wrote down was exactly what the person was saying!
I would then go back to my office, dot a few Is and cross a few Ts, return the article to them, and they would say, "How marvelous. How do you do it?"
Yes, of course I cleaned up the grammar and added or subtracted some adjectives or adverbs, and maybe changed the order, but the point I want to make is that if the person had just written down what he or she was thinking, he or she wouldn't have been far from having a good enough article or letter. Yes, I polished it, but the diamond in the rough was still there to be polished!
It happened just the other day, which is what prompted me to write this article. Someone had written me an email with something profound in it, and I asked if I could quote her in an article. When I finished the article, I sent it back to her, with her rather lengthy quote, and here is her reply: "
Seeing my words in print, I am surprised at my own clarity. Goes to show that spontaneous reactions are often the truest."
Then yesterday, I asked someone else if I could quote them, and she wrote back: "Reading that you want to quote me I am awash with emotions - pride, astonishment, surprise, delight, a little scared, somewhat uncomfortable."
IT'S AN EMOTIONAL THING
Do you see the emotion in what they've written back? We know from Emotional Intelligence how emotions can fog the brain; the analytical part of the brain.
How so? Many emotions go through your brain if you aren't used to writing a lot because of the thoughts you're thinking, because of your self-talk. Here are some:
*I don't know how to write. *I'll say something stupid. *My 6th grade teacher said I was a terrible writer. *Someone will misunderstand what I write and I'll get cards and letters. *I can't do this. *I hate to write. *I flunked writing sophomore year in high school. *My last English course was freshman year in college. *I never finished high school.
WHAT WORKS
There are two major ways to learn how to write: read and write.
The best writers are those who have read the most. Why? Because your brain is a marvelous thing, and picks up what you're reading, and you don't have to learn any rules. Just as a child learns how to speak. We all learn how to speak around the house.
Later on in school we learn grammar rules, but we've been speaking for years.
You have to read the GOOD writers, of course. Read the hard stuff. Dostoevsky, Faulkner, Shakespeare, Dante. This sort of reading will benefit you in many ways.
Then write. A writer writes! Like any other skill, you have to do it to learn it. You can read about it, and memorize rules, and attend seminars, and go to workshops (and by all means read Strunk and White's "Elements of Style"( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/020530902X/susandunnmome-20 ), a classic that's now in its fourth edition) but you must not stop there. You must start writing.
One of the best ways to direct the actual writing process is to work with a writing coach. You won't be able to judge your own writing appropriately at first.
WHAT DOESN'T WORK
What will NOT work is learning some skills you are not able to use because your emotions are interfering, or you don't use because you never sit down and apply them.
You must actually start writing. Like learning a language, it's practicing it that makes you fluent.
META
A meta way to improve your writing is to develop your Emotional Intelligence. It teaches you how to manage the emotions which are throwing obstacles in your path to learning writing. It has the added value of helping you to learn in general, not just writing.
It's about getting the emotions out of the way that are hampering you from learning. We all suffer from this to one degree or another. We all had a teacher at some point who was harsh or punitive, or a circumstance where we weren't able to learn it fast enough. Maybe we were rushed, and fell flat on our face in public, or were embarrassed. Maybe we had a parent who said, "Marsha will never be an artist," or "Freddie can't do this or that." Getting rid of the memory of these experiences is managing your emotions, and part of Emotional Intelligence as well.
WRITE ON!
One of the wonderful things to me about the Internet is the opportunity it gives all of us to "tell our story."
Get in there and write, whether you do it for publication, for money, for fun, or to promote your products and services. You have things to say that others need to hear!
Writing things out also brings clarity to your thinking process. Studies show that writing things down improves your efficiency, and even is good for your mental health.
Write on!
About the Author
© Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunncc/, mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc . Coaching in all areas - relationships, writing, job success, emotional intelligence, career. For help with marketing, see www.webstrategies.cc . Susan will also write and submit articles for you to promote your business.
There's no better way to promote your business for free than to write articles on the Internet. It is particularly good for promoting services where advertising doesn't work as well even if you can afford it.
All business is about relationship. You can't meet face-to-face with each person, or even reach them on the telephone every time. Often your contact will have to be in writing. How good is your writing?
I'D RATHER HAVE A ROOT CANAL?
Writing is right up there with public speaking for many of us. It's so public, and, in the case of writing, so permanent.
My mother used to say, "Never put anything in black and white you wouldn't want the whole wide world to see." It's a wonder I could write at all! Scary thought, isn't it. Since I coach Emotional Intelligence (EQ), let's turn that around and say, "Put things in black and white you want the whole world to see." That's the power of the pen, mightier, after all, than the sword.
I went on to major in English and then to earn my living writing. However, you don't have to be a professional writer to write something someone else can enjoy or benefit from, or to write for your own enjoyment or wellness
YOU AREN'T WRITING FOR MISS CRUMPLESTINE ANY MORE
The first point you should know is that writing for the Internet should be at the 6th to 9th grade level.
Not everyone on the Internet has a college education, or even a high school education. We are all in hurry, and we want out information fast. Short, uncomplicated sentences work well. So do lists. No need for big words. Just clarity.
WHY WRITING IS SO HARD
Here is a scenario that happened to me repeatedly when I was in public relations. The boss would call me in and say, "I don't know how to say this." I'd say, "What is it you want to say?"
and I would have my pad and pencil handy. He or she would start talking, and I would start writing And what I wrote down was exactly what the person was saying!
I would then go back to my office, dot a few Is and cross a few Ts, return the article to them, and they would say, "How marvelous. How do you do it?"
Yes, of course I cleaned up the grammar and added or subtracted some adjectives or adverbs, and maybe changed the order, but the point I want to make is that if the person had just written down what he or she was thinking, he or she wouldn't have been far from having a good enough article or letter. Yes, I polished it, but the diamond in the rough was still there to be polished!
It happened just the other day, which is what prompted me to write this article. Someone had written me an email with something profound in it, and I asked if I could quote her in an article. When I finished the article, I sent it back to her, with her rather lengthy quote, and here is her reply: "
Seeing my words in print, I am surprised at my own clarity. Goes to show that spontaneous reactions are often the truest."
Then yesterday, I asked someone else if I could quote them, and she wrote back: "Reading that you want to quote me I am awash with emotions - pride, astonishment, surprise, delight, a little scared, somewhat uncomfortable."
IT'S AN EMOTIONAL THING
Do you see the emotion in what they've written back? We know from Emotional Intelligence how emotions can fog the brain; the analytical part of the brain.
How so? Many emotions go through your brain if you aren't used to writing a lot because of the thoughts you're thinking, because of your self-talk. Here are some:
*I don't know how to write. *I'll say something stupid. *My 6th grade teacher said I was a terrible writer. *Someone will misunderstand what I write and I'll get cards and letters. *I can't do this. *I hate to write. *I flunked writing sophomore year in high school. *My last English course was freshman year in college. *I never finished high school.
WHAT WORKS
There are two major ways to learn how to write: read and write.
The best writers are those who have read the most. Why? Because your brain is a marvelous thing, and picks up what you're reading, and you don't have to learn any rules. Just as a child learns how to speak. We all learn how to speak around the house.
Later on in school we learn grammar rules, but we've been speaking for years.
You have to read the GOOD writers, of course. Read the hard stuff. Dostoevsky, Faulkner, Shakespeare, Dante. This sort of reading will benefit you in many ways.
Then write. A writer writes! Like any other skill, you have to do it to learn it. You can read about it, and memorize rules, and attend seminars, and go to workshops (and by all means read Strunk and White's "Elements of Style"( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/020530902X/susandunnmome-20 ), a classic that's now in its fourth edition) but you must not stop there. You must start writing.
One of the best ways to direct the actual writing process is to work with a writing coach. You won't be able to judge your own writing appropriately at first.
WHAT DOESN'T WORK
What will NOT work is learning some skills you are not able to use because your emotions are interfering, or you don't use because you never sit down and apply them.
You must actually start writing. Like learning a language, it's practicing it that makes you fluent.
META
A meta way to improve your writing is to develop your Emotional Intelligence. It teaches you how to manage the emotions which are throwing obstacles in your path to learning writing. It has the added value of helping you to learn in general, not just writing.
It's about getting the emotions out of the way that are hampering you from learning. We all suffer from this to one degree or another. We all had a teacher at some point who was harsh or punitive, or a circumstance where we weren't able to learn it fast enough. Maybe we were rushed, and fell flat on our face in public, or were embarrassed. Maybe we had a parent who said, "Marsha will never be an artist," or "Freddie can't do this or that." Getting rid of the memory of these experiences is managing your emotions, and part of Emotional Intelligence as well.
WRITE ON!
One of the wonderful things to me about the Internet is the opportunity it gives all of us to "tell our story."
Get in there and write, whether you do it for publication, for money, for fun, or to promote your products and services. You have things to say that others need to hear!
Writing things out also brings clarity to your thinking process. Studies show that writing things down improves your efficiency, and even is good for your mental health.
Write on!
About the Author
© Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunncc/, mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc . Coaching in all areas - relationships, writing, job success, emotional intelligence, career. For help with marketing, see www.webstrategies.cc . Susan will also write and submit articles for you to promote your business.
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